Monday, September 17, 2007

OK I Just Don't Get It

Last Fall
as you know
if you have been reading
for awhile
or have read the archives
I met two men
well actually
I met many more than two
but I met two
that I really liked
and if the first one

Mr. Turnaround
had paid more attention
more often
I would not have met
any after him
but his presence
or appearances
were sporadic
so yes, I met two men
Mr. Turnaround
and Mr. Sullivan
and they both turned my head
I was smitten with them both
Mr. Sullivan appeared
after Mr. Turnaround
and departed before
for reasons that I truly believe
had nothing to do with me
but issues with his father's health
and the stress that puts on a man child
when their father is in a vulnerable position
but who knows
maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part

Anyway, about a month ago
Mr. Sullivan calls
out of the clear blue sky
and wants to see me

I have eluded to this meeting with him
but I hadn't told the story

So we decided that he would pick me up
and we would go for drinks
so I could hear the story
of the dream he had about me
while on vacation in Canada

He picks me up
he has gained so much weight
I almost don't recognize him
he is jovial
we arrive at our destination
order drinks
he explains the dream
which was a combo of things
he had been reminded of me
in two different circumstances
so I am not surprised about the dream,
so the conversation turns
to me, and school and life
and then it starts
he asks many questions
he asks about other men
that he has known I was seeing
when I saw him
you see
he asked then
and found out about Mr. Turnaround
and Mr. Duvall
because he wanted me to
see only him
and I didn't want to quit seeing Mr. Turnaround
As for Mr. Duvall
that is a given
that it will end permanently
the minute a man wants a relationship with me
and I want one with him
it has stopped before
so that isn't a big deal
he asked
I explained that Mr. Turnaround
found others that he wanted to spend
his time with
even after asking me
to be patient and wait for him
this summer
which I tried to do
I am just not good at it
patience that is
the questions continue
and I want to scream
WHY? why do you want to know
what is it you want?

I mean this isn't my first rodeo
a man calls or writes
says he has a story to tell
says he wants to see you to tell it
he is testing the waters right
to see if you want to see him
and to see if he still wants you...
so Why?
why ask these questions?
We have had about 3 drinks now
and I hadn't eaten all day...
and he had mentioned dinner
but when I ask
why he was having drinks with me
early on a Friday night
did he have plans later
it came out that there was
a poker game he was contemplating
and then he couldn't get me home
fast enough
and by the time we were in the car
the tears came
they were a combo
of stress, anxiety
and feeling rejected
he expressed a desire
to be friends and do things together
and I told him I don't do that well
with men that meant so much more
to me
because rarely can I separate those feelings
and he has friends
and to be a friend takes as much
or more work
than a relationship between lovers
and confidants
and I didn't think he could do it
but if he wanted to try
we could

yeah... that didn't pan out
he didn't even try
and that was fine
but then
I heard from Mr. Turnaround
who said we should have a glass of tea
of course he is a man
of much fewer words
and that is the meeting I wrote of
I don't know his motivation
He slipped away
for reasons I still don't know
guess I wasn't woman enough
or the fact I like to hear a man's words
and he shared so few
that I made some up for him
that were not the right ones
and I over reacted to some situations
in ways I am not proud of
he said
things just didn't turn out
for whatever reason
so I don't know
all I know is
that I am glad
that there aren't any others
who can call me up like that
and see me
just to see
what I am not sure
but stir up emotions
that I thought were pretty much gone
and then walk away

I am not up for that again
anytime soon.

I think this not dating thing
is going better than I ever would
have expected
I quite enjoy not being
worried about what he is thinking
and wondering if or when he will call

and the time and energy I was pouring
yes, Mr. Turnaround, pouring
into thoughts and actions
and wanting things to be good
with someone who wasn't on the same page
can now go somewhere else
and has been for awhile
so those things are hard to give up now

so yes, I wished I was doing other things
but only because they were going to show progress
and sitting and shooting the bull
was not
It was good to see him
It was painful to feel all the old feelings rise to the surface
and be able to tell
they weren' t for him...

but now it is over
and I can move forward
even though I don't get it
I don't understand what they
thought they were going to gain
or what they did gain
by seeing me
but if it was to help them move forward
then I hope they do understand it
and it was helpful.

RJ has rarely steered me wrong
and his take on both situations
was the same
but if I listen to what he said
I feel even more rejected
because he says
they were testing the waters
about dating me again
and I remember a time
when he hadn't met the woman
of his dreams
and he was contemplating looking up
an old girlfriend
and taking her back
and I so
DO NOT want to be that person...
and even then
I told him
not to...

don't do it just because you are lonely
and don't want to be alone
don't settle...
and see
he didn't
and he met the woman of his dreams

but since neither of them
Mr. T or Mr. S
explained their intentions
I don't know
and I still don't get it.

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