Tuesday, May 30, 2006

My Fortune

Ate dinner with RJ for the first time in ... I don't remember when... ate some Chinese food, so here is the fortune

Good News will be brought to you by mail... in bed?

now that is one that doesn't work really well, unless I mail ordered a blow up boy doll. I didn't say that well, but you get the idea.

Monday, May 29, 2006

The List

This list was created when I asked a man why he loved me. He is no longer in my life, nor has he been for a very long time. I came across it when I was cleaning out my closet and saw a box I thought was simply stuff from a past life. I had forgotten he had many copies of it... the one he gave me was rolled up as a small scroll on parchment paper and a ribbon tied around it. It is one of the most treasured items I have from any man so I would like to share it with you.

So, why do I love you?
I love your auburn hair.
I love your squinty look.
I love the tickle matches.
I love the way you dance.
I love your fingers in my hair.
I love your laugh.
I love the passion in your heart.
I love your kisses in the morning.
I love that you are a witch.
I love your silken skin.
I love the way you arch your back.
I love 'the look'.
I love all the special things you do.
I love toe pinches.
I love the way you nibble.
I love your green eyes.
I love your zest for life.
I love your giggle.
I love the way you squeeze my hand.
I love your long strong legs.
I love your soft little moan.
I love your pointy ears.
I love your strong hugs.
I love the fire in your soul.
I love that special squeeze.
I love your pouty lip.
I love the way you appreciate the things I do.
I love your special kiss.
I love Thelma and Louise.
I love Joshua, Casey and Ya.
But most of all, I love your magic.

All these things so much more,
I love you, Bennu.

Just a postscript that my friend at the time and I were a Thelma and Louise pair of sorts, and it seems some things never change, the Muse is my new T and L partner and we have a great time.

Funny isn't it... no matter how much some one loves you, they can go away, and then, there you are.... wondering if you are still as good as all the things they said, and if you are... well then, why did they go away?

Let my actions speak louder than my words.... ahhhhh yes....

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Pure Perplexity!

WTF... I am suppose to be moving on... trying to get on with my life, and yet I feel very much stuck in the mud and the muck.

I have told everyone that I am moving onward and upward and not looking back. I have made it clear that I am available for dating to everyone I have met in the last 10 days (you would be amazed at how many new people aka men I have met in such a short period of time).
Two of the fellas, one who shall know be know as My Handyman, and the other ... well his nickname is still pending... AM and I will have to contemplate a nickname for him, have called and asked for my company.
That's right folks, two men have called and asked me out. Of course, I said yes, even though my heart says NO NO NO, don't do it, it isn't fair to them, the state you are in.

So, I have come clean with one about the perplexing situation going on in my life and the other won't call back til next week (out of town) so I will have an opportunity to decide how to handle him then.

I mean, if you are practically still drowning because you were chasing a fish in the sea of love and you got tangled up in a net of indecision, you should warn the next fish to be careful that things aren't as cheerful as they seem.

I mean the tears do still come, often and at times I can't expect them. They might creep in while I am in his company, and he should know it upfront...

Yeah I know, I am too upfront, but right now, I am perplexed about why I don't want to get back on the horse, esp. when I have ample opportunity...

Fear of being thrown off again I imagine... well maybe one day soon I will be able to.

Sunday, May 14, 2006


I have linked to the post by Steve at his Nude Memphis Blog.

He just lost his dad. This post is about how he doesn't feel like he has closure because his dad was cremated and there wasn't a burial at the cemetery. Many people can empathize with him and I am one of them.

In the realm of dying, I would prefer to be cremated also. I have shared this thought with my children and my mother, because I am sure one of them will be making the final arrangements. I also want to be blasted from a fantastic fireworks display over the ocean or the gulf of Mexico, depending on where my demise takes place. It would be grand to put on one last great show for all my friends and family to remember me by.

My mother wants to be cremated and buried in the family cemetery plot. I, of course, thought this was a ludicrous idea until I read Steve's post and his lack of feeling as if there is closure. Now I do understand it, and will gladly do as she wishes.

Closure is one aspect of death or an ending of a relationship that is very important to me. I have lost my daddy, my granny Bea, my granddaddy and two great aunts plus the dad of my best friend in school, who was like a dad to me. I attended most of the funerals, except for my granddaddy's, because I was out of town and couldn't get back in time, and my Granny Bea's, but I am sure she understands. I have found closure with them all and feel like I can talk to them anytime, whether I am at the cemetery or not. I do want to be able to achieve closure when my mom passes, so I am glad that Steve has shared his feelings and experiences so that I may learn from them.

Many times I have felt that things have ended badly in a relationship and that I would like the closure to be more amicable. Most times, it was too late to save it and be amicable. Sometimes it is just better to sever all ties and move on without any communication.

My first husband and I have always been amicable. Of course that is because people say I tell him what to do and he does it, which is true, for what reason, I will never know. My second marriage ending was amicable, but we do not keep in touch or even try to be post marriage amicable. There is too much hurt and too many feelings still not worked through to find a way to a friendship. I know it may all be on my part, but I can't help it. When you are best friends and you hurt each other deeply, sometimes it is just best to not have any contact. I know it is for me. The closest thing I have had for closure is that all of the things we had to take care of after our marriage ending have come to pass. This year I filed my taxes on my own for the first time in over a decade, and I lived through it. Now I can make it through anything... Well almost anything.

I have had a man in my life, about 3 years ago, that I always will wish was still in my life, but he chose another path. He continued to wish me well, call me sometimes, or leave me birthday wish text messages. I hurt everytime I heard from him, wishing for something that would never be. I finally asked him to either get in my life or stay out. Well, we all know, he chose to stay out, which is just what I thought he would choose.

It isn't the best closure, but it is working. I don't have to sort through the "what did he mean by that? or why did he say this? or why would he do that?" thoughts any more. Now I just think of him fondly and with only a few curse words...lol, well afterall he did make a choice that wasn't me.

I am really glad Steve wrote the post he did. I am struggling with a closure issue myself as we all know. I am also thinking about the times in my life when I have considered suicide. I have worked my way through them all.
Won't shoot myself, I hate guns. Won't slit my wrists, too slow and messy and possibility to be botched. For that matter the gun is the same, as is poisoning myself, or overdosing.
I have considered walking into the sea and never walking out. That one actually looked pretty good til I considered that I might be lost physically as well and my children may never have closure.
My favorite is throwing myself off a highrise. No way to botch it and be a vegetable. I will be found. My family can find peace in closure.

Of course, I am not suicidal now, nor do I ever intend to be, but I didn't intend to be then either, nor do I think that anyone ever intends to be.

Steve just made me think about it.

There is only so much time a person can feel in limbo, then they have to make a choice. Closure is important to us all. That thought is validated by all the comments he received regarding his father's cremation.

I am working my way through my own closure, as you know. We all have our own ways of dealing with it, and mine is to put it down into words, on this blog, rather than in handwriting because it helps me purge him from my head.

I will find my way, I may be in limbo for a short period, but not too long. I cannot have this turmoil in my life, it eats me up and spits me out regularly, and I am never the save afterwards. A little bit of ME goes away, and I cannot afford to lose much more of ME.

Friday, May 12, 2006

By the Light of the Moon

Her: Let's go to La Tuna, we can sit outside, have a lively libation and watch the full moon rise...

Him: Ok

and so it goes... as do they

the place is covered up with people. She had been here a few times before, but never on a Friday and when there were this many patrons trolling about.

Him: oh my goodness, you really know how to pick'em.

Her: well yeah, of course, I know all the hot spots *sarcasm in tow

Him: well let's get something to drink

They have parked and walked across the street and made their way to the bar. A man in tan dress pants and an off white dress shirt is in front of them as they wait their turn with the bartender. The ground cover below their feet clinks when they shift their feet. He looks down and sees that the ground cover is actually bottle caps from years of serving bottled beer at this establishment. Then he steps away from her and the line.

She looks up, sees that he is moving...

Her: What are you doing?

Him: I am trying to find a menu.

Her: A menu for BEER?

Him: yeah, I want to know what all they carry

Her: They have any beer I have ever seen you drink. Shiner, Modello, Flat Tire, you name it...

THEN, THEN it happened

The clean cut man, standing in front of her turned around and said

They don't have the beer I drink.

Her: Oh really, what is that?

CCM: Beck Light

she didn't quite hear him correctly, or did she play dumb?

Her: Deck Light?


Her: Oh, Beck Light

CCM: They are going to special order it for me, though and they should have in by the next time I am here.

She is looking at his face, taking note of his height, his hair, trying to guess his age... thinking, how do I let him know this man with me is just a friend, could I say Have you met my friend TED? (if you know TV shows, you know this line)hmmmm I don't know.

Her: Well, that's good

she couldn't think of anything clever... give her a break

CCM: I have been drinking for over 40 years..

Her: Oh, no, you couldn't have..

CCM: oh no, that isn't right, try 50 years

She can't speak, Math is not her forte but she can't believe he is at least in his 60's

CCM: I drank my first beer when I was 12 in a public place

Her: In a public place? so there were secret beer places before you were twelve?

CCM: laughs as he walks off with his beer.

The two of them stand there to see where he went.

Him: The woman he is with could be his daughter

Her: Uh, look again, she is about his age, just jet black hair.

Him: oh yeah, sorry, second glance

They wandered around and found a place to sit on the steps of the grand stand stage and shot the bull and a couple of drinks. Then walked over and ordered some food from the restaurant and sat at another table waiting for it to show up.

She actually had an appetite for once in week. He was glad to see her eat. She watched the moon come up on the horizon. Then a train blew his whistle in several short bursts.

Him: I hate that

Her: What? the train whistle?

he nods

Her: oh I love it, that is why I wanted to come down here.

Him: I don't mind if it is a long whistle, but not those short bursts.

Her: Oh, well, I like it regardless.

She looks up and the engineer of the train is holding up a bottle to the crowd she is among, like a toast. She smiles and thinks of her dad...

Him: Looks like he has been by here before.

They continue eating. There is not much talking. She realizes she has climbed back into the mountains for refuge and deep thought. He is being patient. She tries to think of a topic. Two nights ago they had eaten, or he had eaten and she had picked at her food at her favorite old spot. The Tip Top. She had hardly touched her food, she cried at the table, and he could hardly find a way to get her to smile, much less laugh. At one point she could asked him what he was thinking when things fell quiet and he said he would save it for another time.

Her: So, are you ready to tell me what you were thinking the other night?

Him: I am thinking I should keep that one to myself.

Her: well, ok.... just trying to make dinner conversation, although I thought you would be happy just knowing I was eating.

Him: that is a good sign.

Her: yeah, I guess it is.

Silence falls again. She is watching the moon. She notices the man who likes Becks Light has left and says so.

Him: You know, if you look around, you might can tell that this might be a good place for you and Amused Muse to hang out. Lots of men, not the most attractive women.

Her: They are just a little rough looking, there are some attractive women here.

Him: you know what I mean

Her: Yeah I know

Him: If you want I can get lost and you can troll awhile.

She smiles, what a friend, already trying to throw her back into the sea to look for another fish.

Her: No, but you could, when you see me talking to someone like Mr. Becks Light, say something like "Hi, My name's RJ, and this is my SISTER, Bennu".

They laughed and he said

Him: I can do that

Her: good, I was trying to figure out how to do that with him earlier, but I couldn't. Not that it mattered any.

Again, the silence fell. The moon was huge, full, and bright as it hung in the sky. The breeze was cool, and very comfortable. She sat and wished for things that will never be, and dreaded tomorrow, because it was a special day, or could have been a very special day, and yet that is not to be either.

Him: Ok, now I will tell you what I was thinking.

Her: Ok

Him: I know you are thinking about how if he comes back how you will handle it. I know I told you that I couldn't stand him being in your life after the way he treated you. Now I am telling you that I would accept it, I would try to understand it, and even if I didn't like it, I would be cordial and he would never know how much I hate the way he has treated you. But if he ever did it again, if he ever hurt you like this again, he wouldn't walk away from you. I have seen you hurt from things not working out on a date or with a man, but I have never seen you hurt like this one. This one was different and I don't know why.

She: That's is very sweet. I know you care, and I appreciate your willingness to see me happy, no matter how shitty of a man makes me happy.

She laughs as she talks somewhat sarcastically, and then she gets serious.

She: I took it to heart the other day when you told me you couldn't imagine liking him or not being prejudice against him. I understood it completely, I have that with my other friend too. I agree. I wanted the two of you to get to know each other and be like brothers, but I know that won't ever happen now.
Besides that, I do not believe he will ever come back. He made it clear. I have no thoughts of him attempting to contact me, even though he may, I don't think he will. I know you think he will, Walker thinks he will, and others have said the same. If he did, then I know what I will say.

Him: Yes, but you told him, everyone deserves a second chance, even the biggest bitches in the world, so I know, you would give him a second chance.

Her: To him, she must not be a bitch, or he wouldn't give her a second chance. I know what I would say. It might surprise you to find that even though I love the man, I won't be treated like a rag doll and dragged through the mud any longer.

Him: Well, like I said, I would be ok with it, I would try to understand, but he won't walk away, literally if he ever hurt you like this again.

She smiled as she sat and appreciated one of the best men who has ever walked into her life and what he is willing to do for her, as a friend, and nothing more, although there are strong ties between them and they love each other as brother and sister. That is rare, she is so thankful for the people that she has in her life and how good they are to her. A few really close and good friends are worth more than a large crowd of acquaintances and pseudo friends anytime.

She finished her diet coke and asked if he was ready to go. He was, so they got up and strolled to the car, looking for the people they sat by earlier. The latino women, in their late 20's were trying to get the Kelly Moore Paint man to strip for them. They were really funny.

Him: Yeah, when we were sitting by them, I saw a little of you peek out.

Her: What do you mean?

Him: You laughed, you weren't stressd, you seemed like your old self for a bit.

Her: I wanted to laugh and cut up with Mr. Becks Light but couldn't figure out how to introduce you.

Him: well you and AM can come back and hang out. Can't you just see her here?

and he was laughing

It is true, it isn't exactly her kind of place, but I might get her there, some afternoon.

Her: Let's drive around and look at those places we saw from the grandstand, I might want to move over here and be within walking distance, listen to the trains, watch the cactus bloom.

Some good things rise up out of the bad. Hence the name Bennu.

The moon was absolutely gorgeous, I hope wherever you are in the world you look up at it and enjoy it's beauty.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I finally got rid of the drip

Anger, Frustration, and too much time on my hands to be left to my own devices.

I threw a fit.

I ranted, I raved. I pointed out all the letters, cards, and notes I had written and nothing to show for it.

I called, I wrote, I went there in person....

and finally,

the apt. management sent the plumber to fix my...not one, not two, but three leaking faucets. They even installed a brand new faucet for the bathroom sink, it was so far gone it was running like a river.

He also fixed the diverter on my shower, so it is no longer a crappy shower, but a fantastic one. RJ and I are shopping tomorrow night for a new shower head (just like the old one, only not a cheap version) and then installing it.

My apt. is getting more comfortable all the time. The pool is suppose to be ready by the end of the week. Now if I can just get them to mow down the weeds in my back yard and trim around the front where the patio chairs are. Then you can all come over and have Rum and Cokes on my "veranda" and turn the water on and off and take showers... wouldn't that be grand?

New Life, New Blog, New Look

Welcome all.

Thanks to friends in high places, and friends who have time to play with my blog while I am at work, I have a new sleek blog.

Thanks, my special friend. (yeah, he is trying to cheer me up, and it is working, a little bit).

Please feel free to leave your opinions, but keep in mind, that although I find it interesting to see what you think, I won't necessarily take it to heart (but I will try).

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

In the spirit of trying to regain "normal" in my life


talk to apt. management
call cable company and have it disconnected (long story, but time to have it done)
mail info about totaled car to Geico
clean bedroom and organize closet
have dinner with RJ
continue to try to regain my composure (it is a minute by minute task)

I think that is enough for today.... given the situations in my life at the moment

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

New Day, New Blog

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Funny, Each day seems to be a lifetime in itself.


Today I found out that my blogging about my loss of a great man in my life is causing problems for him and the woman who is ruling his life with a whip and chair.

Well, of course, not literally a whip and chair, but it might as well be.

Of course i don't want to inflict any more pain on him, he is going through enough as it is, but how can I not use my own outlet for my pain?

Of course, everyone is tired of hearing it too, and reading it... so here, here in my alter ego blog, I can write it...

My heart is breaking, everyone is in turmoil and over a simple 4 letter word....love.

It too will pass, but each time it seems to get harder and harder, and I become more cynical.

And you know, cynical is not even a word I use, hence when I first wrote it I spelled it sinical, the sinacle, then thought of the cyn i c a l...

Fuck, that is terrible, I don't want to be cynical.

I want to be happy, go lucky, glass is full, I am thrilled to be here and a great man will come along.... instead.