Closure

I have linked to the post by Steve at his Nude Memphis Blog.

He just lost his dad. This post is about how he doesn't feel like he has closure because his dad was cremated and there wasn't a burial at the cemetery. Many people can empathize with him and I am one of them.

In the realm of dying, I would prefer to be cremated also. I have shared this thought with my children and my mother, because I am sure one of them will be making the final arrangements. I also want to be blasted from a fantastic fireworks display over the ocean or the gulf of Mexico, depending on where my demise takes place. It would be grand to put on one last great show for all my friends and family to remember me by.

My mother wants to be cremated and buried in the family cemetery plot. I, of course, thought this was a ludicrous idea until I read Steve's post and his lack of feeling as if there is closure. Now I do understand it, and will gladly do as she wishes.

Closure is one aspect of death or an ending of a relationship that is very important to me. I have lost my daddy, my granny Bea, my granddaddy and two great aunts plus the dad of my best friend in school, who was like a dad to me. I attended most of the funerals, except for my granddaddy's, because I was out of town and couldn't get back in time, and my Granny Bea's, but I am sure she understands. I have found closure with them all and feel like I can talk to them anytime, whether I am at the cemetery or not. I do want to be able to achieve closure when my mom passes, so I am glad that Steve has shared his feelings and experiences so that I may learn from them.

Many times I have felt that things have ended badly in a relationship and that I would like the closure to be more amicable. Most times, it was too late to save it and be amicable. Sometimes it is just better to sever all ties and move on without any communication.

My first husband and I have always been amicable. Of course that is because people say I tell him what to do and he does it, which is true, for what reason, I will never know. My second marriage ending was amicable, but we do not keep in touch or even try to be post marriage amicable. There is too much hurt and too many feelings still not worked through to find a way to a friendship. I know it may all be on my part, but I can't help it. When you are best friends and you hurt each other deeply, sometimes it is just best to not have any contact. I know it is for me. The closest thing I have had for closure is that all of the things we had to take care of after our marriage ending have come to pass. This year I filed my taxes on my own for the first time in over a decade, and I lived through it. Now I can make it through anything... Well almost anything.

I have had a man in my life, about 3 years ago, that I always will wish was still in my life, but he chose another path. He continued to wish me well, call me sometimes, or leave me birthday wish text messages. I hurt everytime I heard from him, wishing for something that would never be. I finally asked him to either get in my life or stay out. Well, we all know, he chose to stay out, which is just what I thought he would choose.

It isn't the best closure, but it is working. I don't have to sort through the "what did he mean by that? or why did he say this? or why would he do that?" thoughts any more. Now I just think of him fondly and with only a few curse words...lol, well afterall he did make a choice that wasn't me.

I am really glad Steve wrote the post he did. I am struggling with a closure issue myself as we all know. I am also thinking about the times in my life when I have considered suicide. I have worked my way through them all.
Won't shoot myself, I hate guns. Won't slit my wrists, too slow and messy and possibility to be botched. For that matter the gun is the same, as is poisoning myself, or overdosing.
I have considered walking into the sea and never walking out. That one actually looked pretty good til I considered that I might be lost physically as well and my children may never have closure.
My favorite is throwing myself off a highrise. No way to botch it and be a vegetable. I will be found. My family can find peace in closure.

Of course, I am not suicidal now, nor do I ever intend to be, but I didn't intend to be then either, nor do I think that anyone ever intends to be.

Steve just made me think about it.

There is only so much time a person can feel in limbo, then they have to make a choice. Closure is important to us all. That thought is validated by all the comments he received regarding his father's cremation.

I am working my way through my own closure, as you know. We all have our own ways of dealing with it, and mine is to put it down into words, on this blog, rather than in handwriting because it helps me purge him from my head.

I will find my way, I may be in limbo for a short period, but not too long. I cannot have this turmoil in my life, it eats me up and spits me out regularly, and I am never the save afterwards. A little bit of ME goes away, and I cannot afford to lose much more of ME.